Imagine for a moment that you are at a party talking with someone and the conversation turns to a controversial subject. Assuming that you’re happy to continue the conversation, you have a choice. The first option is to jump in with your opinion, and dazzle them with your logic and the magnificence of your delivery! But what happens if they hold the opposite view to yours? What is likely to be going through their minds? Once they have got passed the ‘Why do I always get stuck with idiots like this?’ stage, they are likely to be waiting for you to pause for breath so that they can jump in.

Alternatively, you can start off by asking them for their opinion first; they will then be more likely to listen to you.  In addition, try summing up your common ground before you tell them how your view differs from theirs. It builds consensus rather than competition.

Several writers have written about the importance of asking questions but there is a second part to this – the quality of your listening. I’ve come across many coaches, even psychologists, who have been taught about the importance of asking questions so dutifully do as they’ve been taught. But they don’t listen to the answers. They ask, pause, wait for the other person to stop talking and then ask the next question; sometimes they’re lucky and it is a logical follow on to what the other person has said but often it isn’t!

Some tips here: avoid rhetorical and leading questions – they cause confusion as the other person is uncertain whether top answer or not. Avoid multiple questions as the person may be confused as to which part to answer and even if they do answer, you may not understand their response! But the most important type of question to avoid is the one whose answer you are unprepared to deal with. If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.